⊹ ࣪ ˖some lyrics from songs i wrote⋆˚࿔
snippet of "you let me go in august"
"you kissed where i've been hurt,
you cried to my tears,
you haunted my sleepless nights.
you turned me against myself,
you hurt me places i didn't know
could hurt
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"forest fire"
"lost in the shadows of my mind
can't seem to find a way out this time
i'm like a tree with roots so deep
i'm stuck in a place
i don't belong
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
every step feels like i'm on the run
lost in a sea of emotion
drowning in the night
like a fading light
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
i'm a river, always flowing
but my currents are strong
the scars on my skin and my soul
i can't help but lose all control
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
lost in the shadows of my minde
couldn't find a way out this time"
i want to be hugged by my friends, i want to be reminded that i'm loved, i need affection, i need platonic love, i need to be told words of affirmation, i need my loved ones to tell me that they don't hate me and that they love me, i want to receive the love i give back, i want to be loved as much as i love but i fear i love too much--i love too hard.
i also want to be in love, i miss the feeling. i miss holding hands with someone romantically. i miss spending time with the one i love. i want someone to love me and respect me, not someone who can take me for granted, nor someone who doesn't value my feelings.
my first and last ever romantic relationship still hurts me sometimes, i was so young and i was naive and it was violent and it was untrustworthy.
all i want is to be loved. find somebody to love. give my love away.
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i used to believe that i was meant to do one thing in life
i put my whole energy in it, i gave my blood, my sweat and my tears for it
worked so hard without realising i hated it
only because i wanted to prove myself to two people i don't even talk to anymore
i gave three years of my life for something so meaningless
i thought it was the only thing i wanted but there was so much more waiting to be learnt, waiting to be touched, to be loved, to be understood
i only cared about the stars, the black holes, the math, the science behind everything
i wanted to be smart, i wanted to be intelligent and i wanted to know it all
i wanted too much, deep down i knew i wasn't going to get it, i wasn't going to enjoy it as much as i dreamt of it
and i didn't want to accept it because how could i choose something so wrong for my own self?
i thought i knew myself, who is there to know me better than i know myself?
now i don't know who i am, what i like, what i don't, what i want to be, who i want to become, i don't know anything and yes, it fucking scares me like
nothing has ever scared me before but i also feel more at peace now
the uncertainty of what life has got planned for me is making me feel sick, i don't like it, i don't like not knowing how it ends
but that means that i get to write my own story, from scratch, all by myself
i never needed to prove myself to anyone but my own self and i will prove to myself that i am capable of choosing something i'll like and that'll make m
happy
because i am capable of many things and i don't need anyone's help, i just need to listen to myself for once in my life
and everything will be okay
i will be okay
11.01.26
it drives me crazy how obsessed i can get with something or someone, literally anything.
i would hyperfixate on it until i know everything about it, whether it's a craft i would want to try, a person i've spoken to once or twice, etc
it's just so exhausting to have something or someone in my mind constantly. if you're going to live in my head, you might as well chip in for rent.
i really want to be hugged tho. i miss being hugged randomly, i'm in the mood where i really really crave physical touch, in a platonic or romantic way idc i just want someone to hug me very tight and not leave me lol i feel so needy.
i feel desperate and it makes me feel so stupid. like, i really don't *need* anyone tbh, but i do want some affection that is not only given my my parents haha. this is stupid. i'm sorry
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10.01.26
i had such a great day until i didn't, and once again, because of my own actions.
idk why i still have such weird relationship with food. idk why i can't stop when i'm full. and then why i have the inevitable urge to purge...stupid.
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08.01.26
WHY DOES NOBODY GET MEEEEEUUUUGHHHHH????? I FEEL SO STUPIDDDDDDDDD
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i feel like i keep on bugging a friend of mine, actually, a lot of my friends. i don't know why sometimes i get overly attached to one or two specific person and then i want to talk to them absolutely every time because i value them so much but i feel like it comes off as needy and annoying. with one of my friends especially, i feel like a crusty chihuahua jumping for attention on his feet.
they are also so much older than me so i genuinely feel like an annoying little sister and so i want to entirely stop talking to them, i want to cut all contact and leave them alone before they abandon me for being too clingy. i always function this way, i feel like i am being too much, always needing so much attention, always contradicting myself, loving someone so so so hard and then scaring the shit out of myself because the abandonement issues get too big and too real at once.
i feel so so so sorry to the friends that had to endure this behaviour from me. i am stupid, needy, full of love that my body can't contain and mostly, scared to death to be left abandoned.
but then, the way i act so sketchy with my friends make them obviously feel bad so i get why they would stop wanting to talk to me and be involved with me.
i am my sole enemy in life. i wish i could stop acting the way i do. i wish i didn't physically need to hug and be hugged by the people i care about.
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i feel stupid.
i saw my friends today and for some reason, i was extremely annoying and bossy and mean and i hate everything about myself. i spent so much money as well as if it grows on trees. i don't even work, i don't have a stable income, i feel bad using my parents' money even though they are ok with it, i just feel irresponsible 24/7 and i feel stupid stupid stupid idiot.
i might also be so irritated just because i haven't had any proper food in so long and i feel stupid about it as well. people are telling me that i lost weight and i hate the way people perceive me and i feel like the most ugly person ever, i feel like drinking water makes me look so fat, i don't want to eat anything but i'm stupid so i keep on either preparing or ordering food or snacks then immediately feel stupid about it so i just either give it to my friends or eat it then throw it up, like, come the fuck on, i'm 21 and still can't deal with food properly.
god i hate me. i hate everything. hate consumes me so much, but then i hate that i hate.
i'm just tired and hungry and i should eat.
but i dont want to.
