⊹ ࣪ ˖some lyrics from songs i wrote⋆˚࿔
snippet of "you let me go in august"
"you kissed where i've been hurt,
you cried to my tears,
you haunted my sleepless nights.
you turned me against myself,
you hurt me places i didn't know
could hurt"
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"forest fire"
"lost in the shadows of my mind
can't seem to find a way out this time
i'm like a tree with roots so deep
i'm stuck in a place
i don't belong
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
every step feels like i'm on the run
lost in a sea of emotion
drowning in the night
like a fading light
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
i'm a river, always flowing
but my currents are strong
the scars on my skin and my soul
i can't help but lose all control
i'm the storm and the rain
i'm the hurt and the pain
like a moth to the flame
can't break free
from the forest fire
lost in the shadows of my minde
couldn't find a way out this time"
i am not a concept. i am a person. acknowledge me for what i am. not what i do.
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i want to be hugged by my friends, i want to be reminded that i'm loved, i need affection, i need platonic love, i need to be told words of affirmation, i need my loved ones to tell me that they don't hate me and that they love me, i want to receive the love i give back, i want to be loved as much as i love but i fear i love too much--i love too hard.
i also want to be in love, i miss the feeling. i miss holding hands with someone romantically. i miss spending time with the one i love. i want someone to love me and respect me, not someone who can take me for granted, nor someone who doesn't value my feelings.
my first and last ever romantic relationship still hurts me sometimes, i was so young and i was naive and it was violent and it was untrustworthy.
all i want is to be loved. find somebody to love. give my love away.
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i used to believe that i was meant to do one thing in life
i put my whole energy in it, i gave my blood, my sweat and my tears for it
worked so hard without realising i hated it
only because i wanted to prove myself to two people i don't even talk to anymore
i gave three years of my life for something so meaningless
i thought it was the only thing i wanted but there was so much more waiting to be learnt, waiting to be touched, to be loved, to be understood
i only cared about the stars, the black holes, the math, the science behind everything
i wanted to be smart, i wanted to be intelligent and i wanted to know it all
i wanted too much, deep down i knew i wasn't going to get it, i wasn't going to enjoy it as much as i dreamt of it
and i didn't want to accept it because how could i choose something so wrong for my own self?
i thought i knew myself, who is there to know me better than i know myself?
now i don't know who i am, what i like, what i don't, what i want to be, who i want to become, i don't know anything and yes, it fucking scares me like
nothing has ever scared me before but i also feel more at peace now
the uncertainty of what life has got planned for me is making me feel sick, i don't like it, i don't like not knowing how it ends
but that means that i get to write my own story, from scratch, all by myself
i never needed to prove myself to anyone but my own self and i will prove to myself that i am capable of choosing something i'll like and that'll make m
happy
because i am capable of many things and i don't need anyone's help, i just need to listen to myself for once in my life
and everything will be okay
i will be okay
02.03.26
i've been contemplating unaliving myself (as an idea) a bit too much recently. i was joking with A (minion obsessed, super genius bestie) that if we were to kil ourselves, we would do it out of spite and out of pettinnes...at the same time, we're both bitches and libras. HAHA.
i have been imagining my death much more than i would like to admit it. i also want to bite my flesh off, leave bruises and cuts and scars all over but i won't do it. i will never do it again. and i will never off mysef. i could never. the things i love in this life are far greater than the bad things. i want to be able to appreciate little things in life again, however. i just miss not being constantly stressed and always on the verge of a burn-out. i miss the time i was a kid and carefree. i wonder if child-me would like how adult-me turned out. i sure do miss and love her dearly.
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17.02.26
i want chocolate and warm hands to hold my cold ones.
thank you. i love you. i'm sorry.
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14.02.26
i feel so deeply hurt by my friends. once again, a lot of things are building up and i can't seem to talk about it directly with them and it makes me want to throw myself in front of a train out of pettiness.
i think that people don't really consider me. maybe they take me for granted. i do so much for people, i go beyond my capacities to ensure i please everyone and i feel like people don't realise how much energy that consumes for me. i do it out of love and care. i've always worked like that, i always existed this way. always giving more that i could ever receive and it didn't bother me.
but i've gotten too old to give so much of my energy for people who don't seem to appreciate what i do for them. it's not like i'm waiting for something in return - truly, it's not, i just love giving and being over the top and being praised for the things i do - but i think that i should learn how to stop doing it.
take it for opac for example. i've been doing a lot of coordination even though i didn't sign up for it. i feel like people count of me more than they count on the coordination and that makes me feel so trapped. i hate that the coordination is almost inexistant (because of valid reasons but still), i hate that there are always tensions everywhere and i get this feeling that i should be the one fixing it (only because it affects me a lot) and i hate that people take me for fucking granted. i had a MASSIVE migraine on thursday night and i wanted to cry and throw up and i felt so guilty for potentially not being able to come to the lino workshop on friday to help set up the room and help my friend S (who animated the workshop) and it made me feel so bad and i sent a message asking people if they could come help instead because i genuinely felt like shit (i also don't really ask much help in opac, like not in that way) and when i tell you, everyone and their mums ignored the shit out of me. it made my blood boil even more than i was already boiling from the migraine. it made me think "wow what a fucked up joke", not one single person replied, not even to say "no sorry i can't"...it was just silence. that is just rude. i still came either ways, i was feeling a bit better but it just proved my point that no one gave a fuck when in the morning the next day, we received final sketches for our festival poster and i sent it to the group and this time a lot of people replied.
the selectiveness of these people makes me want to jump out of the window.
during the workshop, H asked me if i was ok. i wasn't. then L wanted to talk to me about opac. i said no. i said that i felt disrespected and that i felt very sour regarding this situation. || look maybe i sound like a diva or that i seem to exaggerate but i swear, these feelings are real to me and it makes me want to truly die and i haven't had that feeling in the past 3 years even with my math bachelor that made life a living hell ||
i got a message from L later that night asking me if i wanted to talk more about it. he still said that he said he wasn't going to be very present that week to kinda give a reason for his inactivity but honestly, he's a coordinator, he should at least reply. and it's not just L, it was the combination of literally no one replying to my plead for help. whatever.
i think i want to quit opac but idk how to say it. but i don't want to quit at the same time because i really enjoy the core of it, the festival, the decorations, the public, the artists, et cetera. but this part of the organisation genuinely makes me hate everything in life and it spreads on my personal life and it makes me mostly sour, angry and hurt.
i could be petty, i could just disappear without any notice, but i love the actual events more than i want to admit and i don't want to miss them out.
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08.02.26
i thought i was past acting so petty but every time something minimal happens, i just feel like being petty, like, something switches in me.
i'm going to complain a lot. i don't want to talk about any of this with anyone and i don't want anyone to talk to me about it but i need to get it out of me.
i feel weird about opac. i feel like the more i think of it, the more i don't like it. i LOVE opac but i don't like it at the same time. it's making me feel crazy. i think i really dislike being the only real comm person tho. that actually sucks. like ok thanks guys for offering help but the mental load is fucking tons and call me childish but i will not forget the benevs critiquing the comm last year and now i just subconsciously feel so pressured to do a good job.
i think, even though it might be horrible, the smallest inconvenience could make me drop everything and cut all contact with literally everyone.
i don't think i like anything tbh. i just feel a lot of hate in me once again. i feel pressured, stressed and feel so so so stupid all the time.
i also need to stop caring the way i care about people. no one would ever be able to give me back the love i give. never. i care too much and i love too deeply and i end up hurting myself because i put importance on people who turns out, don't even consider me.
i learnt that my friends are going to SK this summer for like a MONTH and they told me that they wanted to go somewhere with me but like they are going away for a month and they probably won't have time or energy for a second holiday somewhere else with me so i'm just like "well ok nice" it's not like i've been asking them for the past few years that i wanna do something with them during summer over and over and over. it's not even the fact that they are going together without me that bothers me cause they are going with one of their other friends (btw apparently she took it the wrong way when we went to london together without inviting her but like literally i'm not even really friends with her and we never hung out the 4 of us fr and also it was at my cousin's place so like??? so imma take it the wrong way too, the fact that they didn't invite me to go with them to SK this summer, and i don't want them to be like "oh but if you want, you can come!" no????? i wasn't invited the first place so it would make me feel like a last minute option + i would feel desperate) anyways, i'm more mad about the fact that they are going away for A MONTH and good for them but i'm almost sure that our potential plans to do something together this summer is dead.
i know i sound so privileged and bratty and it makes me feel disgusting but all i wanted in life was that someone asks ME if i wanna do something with them instead of me having to PLEAD to them to do something. i'm just gonna stop caring that much about people.
i might just organise something else alone or with someone else idk. i'm just ughhhhh so fucking annoyed. i feel like i don't get considered at all and it makes me feel stupid for existing.
i feel stupid stupid stupid and i'm gonna deactivate my socials and find something else to do in life. i don't want to do anything, i'm so excited to leave next year and start over. i want to be alone, i wan't to leave and just leave. i want people to miss me. for once, i want people to come towards me, i want people to reach out to me and think of me but i think the second i leave this place, people would forget about me.
i was always terrified of being abandonned and being forgotten but i feel like if that happened, my point would be proven and then i would probably also kms cause i had no one to prove my point to. whatever. i'm a horrible human being. ew, what the fuck is wrong with me, i hate everything about myself
i'm so ugly, my hair never sits right, my face is weird, i have pimples, my smile is ugly, i'm so so so so fat and i can't seem to loose weight, i eat so much i think march is gonna be a nice month cause i will be so stressed with the opac festival that i would forget to eat (and become so mean because of it) but at least i will stop eating random stuff. like, honestly, i don't really need food, i already ate so much, i could starve myself for a year and still be healthy. like i ate a fucking hippo. fucking hate myself and everything. sorry, i feel stupid and fuck. fuck everything.
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01.02.26
i'm still weird with food. BUT on a better note, i think i have 2 crushes rn and it makes me feel like a person again. i love having random crushes and living la vie en rose sometimes. i might go to a party with one of my crushes i'm gonna explode lol.
and the other one, i actually don't even know him that well but he's cute and we spent an afternoon together doing a random side quest with another friend and it felt intimate for some reason. he knows my name now. we'll probably smile at each other when we see each other at uni without anything else but it still makes me feel happy to feel "love" like this.
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22.01.26
i always open my mouth to say the most stupidest things and then stir random drama up and i think i should kms
i also feel so uneasy most of the time. like, with everyone and everything. i feel like i'm too much to handle. i feel like i'm super invasive and i can't contain my emotions. i feel so influencable all the time and i hate it.
i hate being obsessed with someone..i hate being invasive, i hate wanting to know everything about everyone and everything in life.
i'm also sad but idk why.
i wanna talk to them non-stop, i love it when they are affectionate to me, it makes me feel so happy. i'm obsessed with them in such a weird way, it's just like--i want to be validated by them? i love it when they compliment me. anyone else who tells me the same thing they would say, i'd be like "meh ty" but with them idk, i feel so valued and it's weird cause i'm not even that close with them. i also hate them for taking such a big place in my head. like, i know it's my problem to have weird hyperfixations and obsessions but cmon now, you gotta at least pay the price of living rent free in my head by being my weird confessional.
oh and how i miss writing music. i have such a huge creative mental block since the past few months. i can't seem to create on my own. i still produce stuff like a temu factory, i see stuff on pinterest i like and i just recreate it just fine. but i just can't seem to think by myself and come up with new ideas for crafts, drawings, jewellery, song lyrics, i just can't do shit it makes me also want to dissapear and become a ceiling decor.
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21.01.26
i'm convinced that people don't really care about me or even dislike me and talk behind my back and plan my doom while i'm just in my room crying to the same adrienne lenker song over and over.
i also know that it's not true.
but you never know.
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19.01.26
i think i'm just too influencable and too impressionable. i wish people would stop treating me like a baby but i don't think i'm capable of acting like i'm not one.
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18.01.26
because i'm a little under the weather, i am feeling so irritable and petty. i stirred up some ancient shit just because i could and now i feel stupid and kinda regret it, i also still feel so affected about it and idk why i let myself get so affected. it's stupid.
i think the most reccuring word on this page is << stupid >> because, well i am and everything i do is.
these days, i hate everything about me, the way i can't seem to be productive, the way i look, the way i take no care of myself, the way i speak to people, the way i feel, the way i think, the way i act, the way i exist. i just tire myself at this point.
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even though the situation was shite, and that i found myself in the middle of two parties, i feel like neither of them try to get each other or make an effort to do so. like it makes me feel like i'm crazy for thinking that it's outrageous that X didn't feel slightly remorseful for what they saide and Y thinks they did absolutely nothing wrong when they just DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO BEGIN WITH. and the whole assuming one's identity because you don't "look" it bothers me. it bothers me because i also thought that way and i feel like a piece of shit because of it and i don't understand how they think it's ok what we did.
i guess i'm just stuck on this event like i'm stuck on the Venice trip event still to this day. embarassing. i hold grudges even when i don't want to. i still do because i can't ever get over anything. it IS always that deep to me, always.
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17.01.26
first of all, i still have such a horrible relationship with food. i also only had snacks recently and then have such a hard time keeping food actually down ugh. i just feel stupid about it. and so so so guilty. i feel like i've been repeating the same things over and over on this page but i don't think i can stop thinking about them for now.
on the other hand, i feel like i'm being so so so so so annoying with people, especially T, like i just feel stupid when i'm talking to him because like idk, he's a little nonchalant and i'm the exact opposite of that and i still overoverthink everything i say and everything people tell me. i think that i'm very insecure about my relationships with people, especially those who i see or talk to quite often and i always antagonize myself. i want to be able to feel less insecure, and better so that i can be a much better friend and also help me ease my stupid brain.
i love giving love, i love giving in general. gifting people things that remind me of them, send them handwritten notes to remind them that i think of them. i don't receive the same type of love a lot and sometimes that makes me feel sad, like i value people way too much than i should but then i gotta keep reminding myself that even when life is so dark and miserable, if there's even only one single person who could spread love, then i want to be that person. i want to give my best, i want people to think of me when they see ladybugs, when they find a four leaf clover, when they hear the first birds chirping in the morning, when they see the moonlight creating a path in the night, i want people to think of me and talk to me for random small things in life, i want people to celebrate milestones with me, i want people to know that i will always be there for them, to celebrate them, to cherish them, to give, to love, to listen to them.
and in the end, i do receive the love i give. i wish i wasn't so greedy to want it everyday, i want it every single minute, i want so much.
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11.01.26
it drives me crazy how obsessed i can get with something or someone, literally anything.
i would hyperfixate on it until i know everything about it, whether it's a craft i would want to try, a person i've spoken to once or twice, etc
it's just so exhausting to have something or someone in my mind constantly. if you're going to live in my head, you might as well chip in for rent.
i really want to be hugged tho. i miss being hugged randomly, i'm in the mood where i really really crave physical touch, in a platonic or romantic way idc i just want someone to hug me very tight and not leave me lol i feel so needy.
i feel desperate and it makes me feel so stupid. like, i really don't *need* anyone tbh, but i do want some affection that is not only given my my parents haha. this is stupid. i'm sorry
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10.01.26
i had such a great day until i didn't, and once again, because of my own actions.
idk why i still have such weird relationship with food. idk why i can't stop when i'm full. and then why i have the inevitable urge to purge...stupid.
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08.01.26
WHY DOES NOBODY GET MEEEEEUUUUGHHHHH????? I FEEL SO STUPIDDDDDDDDD
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i feel like i keep on bugging a friend of mine, actually, a lot of my friends. i don't know why sometimes i get overly attached to one or two specific person and then i want to talk to them absolutely every time because i value them so much but i feel like it comes off as needy and annoying. with one of my friends especially, i feel like a crusty chihuahua jumping for attention on his feet.
they are also so much older than me so i genuinely feel like an annoying little sister and so i want to entirely stop talking to them, i want to cut all contact and leave them alone before they abandon me for being too clingy. i always function this way, i feel like i am being too much, always needing so much attention, always contradicting myself, loving someone so so so hard and then scaring the shit out of myself because the abandonement issues get too big and too real at once.
i feel so so so sorry to the friends that had to endure this behaviour from me. i am stupid, needy, full of love that my body can't contain and mostly, scared to death to be left abandoned.
but then, the way i act so sketchy with my friends make them obviously feel bad so i get why they would stop wanting to talk to me and be involved with me.
i am my sole enemy in life. i wish i could stop acting the way i do. i wish i didn't physically need to hug and be hugged by the people i care about.
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i feel stupid.
i saw my friends today and for some reason, i was extremely annoying and bossy and mean and i hate everything about myself. i spent so much money as well as if it grows on trees. i don't even work, i don't have a stable income, i feel bad using my parents' money even though they are ok with it, i just feel irresponsible 24/7 and i feel stupid stupid stupid idiot.
i might also be so irritated just because i haven't had any proper food in so long and i feel stupid about it as well. people are telling me that i lost weight and i hate the way people perceive me and i feel like the most ugly person ever, i feel like drinking water makes me look so fat, i don't want to eat anything but i'm stupid so i keep on either preparing or ordering food or snacks then immediately feel stupid about it so i just either give it to my friends or eat it then throw it up, like, come the fuck on, i'm 21 and still can't deal with food properly.
god i hate me. i hate everything. hate consumes me so much, but then i hate that i hate.
i'm just tired and hungry and i should eat.
but i dont want to.
